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A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affection - 9/18/2008 12:39:32 PM
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zwielight
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Joined: 9/18/2008
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This is another "I didn't get wedding gifts from my guests!" thread.
I am the bride, but please try to hear from my POV... We were married May 10.
My husband and I envisioned a lavish dinner and outdoor ceremony for our closest family members to celebrate our wedding. An eight-course chef's tasting menu perhaps...
But the sheer number of people in his family (he has three siblings and they each have "significants" -- another thought for later) forced me to up my side of the list to include a few cousins and aunts. Then his family required that the siblings of the parents be invited as well. You get the picture.
With over 40 people on the potential guest list, we had to scale down our dream wedding to a modest three-course dinner. It was lovely and everyone enjoyed themselves.
On my side of the family, only the aunts and uncles were invited. At the last minute, the adult children were also included (as final numbers indicated there would be less on my side present... we wanted to keep the "sides" equal)
And we really didn't receive any gifts... we are a conservative Christian couple who did not live together before, so we were truly using the registries as an opportunity to build our households.
Invitations were sent directly to the adult children of my uncles and aunts as well as to the uncles and aunts. The children just assumed their parents would take care of it, I guess.
Who we did not receive gifts from:
--My mother's brother. Very close with them. He has two adult daughters who are almost like sisters to me. 4 people attended from this family.
--My father's sister. Close relationship. Two adult children. 3 people attended from this family.
--My husband's brother!! He insisted upon bringing his girlfriend with whom he is cohabiting and has no intention of marrying. I wanted to stipulate that only spouses or engaged significants were invited, but my husband refused, as this affected both one of his brothers and sisters who are shacking up.
--My husband's uncle. None of them came, but I think it would have been a kind gesture to at least send a card to welcome me to their family.
Thanks for making it this far with me.
I am sincerely hurt by my family members. It is less about the "stuff" than about the rudeness for not congratulating us or wishing us well. We did not receive cards from anyone who did not give a gift. It was a big day for us, and we chose to share it with a very select few people, who in return, did not make us feel special or give us the impression that they felt honored to share our special day with us.
Now, I have no desire, for example, to buy my husband's brother a Christmas present. When I am someday invited to my adult cousins' weddings, I have no desire to give them a gift.
I am deeply hurt, saddened, and disappointed.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 1:05:44 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 862
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I understand you are hurt by this and I can see why. I have never really been in this position, so any advice I have is from an outsider. I have been married, but I dont' remember who did or didn't give me a gift. I remember being grateful for those gifts I did receive.
I don't have any wise words as to how you should go about approaching this subject with those who have hurt you (or if you should). The only thing I can say is that you have to let go of your hurt and forgive them. I'm sure you already know that, but sometimes it helps to hear it from another. give this situation to God and let Him deal with it and them.
I'm sorry you've been hurt and I'll pray for you. I'm sure others here who are much more wise than I will have better things to say!
_____________________________
God grades on the cross – not on a curve
Good – God = 0
In the dark? Follow the Son!
The Power of a Simple Gift! samaritanspurse.org
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 1:11:09 PM
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kiara_tiara
Posts: 4
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Hi,
I'm truly sorry about this. I can sense sadness and anger in your message. You will not get a finger pointed at your face from my reply, this is not the godly way of doing things anyway. However, would you allow me to tell you the "bad" first and then the "good"(yes, I see something really good out of this) side of it?
Bad:
First, I think you guys ended up doing what many couples do....pleasing the family. When I was marrying my husband I truly thought about the people who really cared, and not the people that came to eat. Why? Because was important! Do you want to know how we married? At the courthouse, yes! His family completely disagreed, and didn't even show up. He was so hurt, and it hurt me to see him that way, but this showed who truly cared....his father, stepmother, one stepsister. We ate at the Olive Garden, did not receive any gifts whatsoever, and basically went back to our 1 bedroom apartment. I was so happy with my "little" wedding.
The good:
make an agreement with your husband that it is about you guys. We committed to this years ago, and guess what? The family has gotten used to it. The live in Rhode Island, we're in VA...guess what? They dread the fact that we are far, but it is about us! Hang in there, will you?
I am not talking about selfishness, I am not speaking of forgetting about them. I am speaking of marital commitment. If you don't set your own rules and likes, everybody will continue doing what they just did to you....decide for you. You don't want that. This is where the enemy gets his victims.
Bad:
Putting too much weight into the gifts (that's right, I said it)- you married this family, not just him. They will be the aunts and uncles of your kids. The grandparents of your kids, the same with your family. It was hard for me to learn as well (you are talking to the lady that kicked her mother in law out of the hospital when she gave birth to twins).........When I did this, I completely forgot that she had traveled for 8 hours to see her grandkids. She had no gifts because of financial difficulties). However, I am a fan of forgiveness and we are doing great. Still, really think about your choice to not give presents.
Good:
You have an opportunity to teach them a lesson, why not give them gifts? Because they didn't send you anything (to include the cards that you speak of)????? Doesn't make sense to me. Why rely on people to provide you with presents??? Were you celebrating the day you united with your God given husband, or the furnishing of your home together?
On the other hand, I completely understand that we do expect. If someone out there says that you should give always without expecting, they are lying to you. I see this as an opportunity to connect more intimately with your husband. At the end of the day, he is the true companion God has given you and not the family. Family is important, but your husband has a special place. Don't make things harder on yourself. It is harder to maintain unhapinness than it is to ask God for forgiveness, forgive all others, and move on in faith.
Be blessed! Have a virtual hug!
_____________________________
Hugs! Kiara_Tiara
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 1:45:30 PM
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3tulips
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From: sandy shore
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That is awful. Even a small gift is appreciated. But I am going to disagree with some of the others: if the brother didn't give you a gift go ahead and don't give him one for Christmas. Save yourself the wondering if gifts are to be exchanged. He set the tone: no exchanging of gifts. God bless you 2 for waiting to live together before you are married.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 2:19:55 PM
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Sadey
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I would go a step further with your husband's brother and your family.
You take care of your family and if your husband wants presents for his side, let him shop for them and don't say a word.
I think you wouldn't be so upset if you had stuck to your original plans and not let the family influence you. Here they took over your wedding and then didn't even buy you a present. That stinks.
Forgiveness is best but is hard. You can do it.
God bless
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 3:38:15 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5386
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I have to confess that when I read the thread title, I thought that it would be something along the lines of your/his parents and siblings, not to mention anyone else, didn't give you a single present.
Out of the whole wedding party though, a small number, on both sides, didn't send give you a present or a card.
I simply don't understand why you're reacting in this way. The point of a wedding is to celebrate a man and a women getting married. It has nothing to do with them getting presents from every single person/family who attended the wedding!
Please don't let this spoil your relationship with these people in your family. There could have been any number of reasons why they didn't give you a present or send you a card.
There are plenty in the world who would be grateful to have had as many people attend the wedding as you did and celebrate with them ~ presents or no presents.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 5:34:59 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3117
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Well...here's the other side of the coin:
I sent a very expensive gift to my nephew and his bride and they never even sent a thank you note. I had to call the store where I purchased their gift to see if it was delivered and whether or not they signed for it. It was and they did.
I was miffed at first and then figured that perhaps they accidentally overlooked the thank you note or got too busy and forgot to respond...then I forgave them and moved on. It seems as though you've been mad for nearly six months...I suggest you do the same lest a root of bitterness take hold of your heart.
< Message edited by Kat_D -- 9/19/2008 10:43:27 AM >
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 7:10:31 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 789
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I'm sorry your loved ones let you down on your
wedding day.
I've been through that as well and now the family members
that decided not to come told me the night before my wedding!
Oh the nerve of people! LOL
Now, I look on the brighter side... I got a wonderful husband
and I belong to the family of Christ - I'm blessed!
The family members who stayed away, didn't send me a
card or gift either. But you know something, that's on them not
me. I don't look to them for my joy or happiness.
They are the ones who have to "pretend" around me when we're
in family settings. When there's talk about my wedding
they're the ones who can't join in on the memorable time the other family members shared together during the wedding and they certainly aren't in any of the wedding photos... like other family members and friends are.
They missed out and it wasn't my fault - they made a bad decision and they have to live with it.
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 9:14:50 PM
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GregandJenny
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From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
Out of the whole wedding party though, a small number, on both sides, didn't send give you a present or a card.
I simply don't understand why you're reacting in this way. The point of a wedding is to celebrate a man and a women getting married. It has nothing to do with them getting presents from every single person/family who attended the wedding!
Please don't let this spoil your relationship with these people in your family. There could have been any number of reasons why they didn't give you a present or send you a card.
There are plenty in the world who would be grateful to have had as many people attend the wedding as you did and celebrate with them ~ presents or no presents.
I agree.
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 9:53:38 PM
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MC4JC
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While you are justified in being hurt about the lack of respect and manners from your family, its not right to not give them something because they didn't give you anything.
You say it isn't about material things; yet you are a little angry that you didn't get anything from them. The person that says "give with your heart and don't expect something in return" is right. Its water under the bridge now.
Last Christmas we had hubby's brother staying with us. We knew, just getting out of jail and no job, that he didn't really have anything to give us. So during Christmas dinner, part of the prayer was about the meaning of Christmas (Jesus' birth) and the it should not be about how much you get, but what is in your heart. More or less to let him know that its ok if you didn't get anything for us or the kids.
We all got a small gift - gave his brother something on his list he wanted. And his brother did not give anything. We were a tiny bit hurt, because he really did have some cash that he could have used; but we had to live by our words at dinner. And its NOT about the material gifts.
Later he went in to see his ex-wife and the child she claims is his...we found out later that he went and bought her a large gift. However, he was trying to buy her love back...and it didn't work. It was his choice to make, he had to live with the consequences.
Maybe one day your family will realize that they were wrong. But in the meantime - take the high road; don't stoop to their level. Remember Jesus gave but never expected anything back.
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 10:21:34 PM
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stampinlady
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Is it possible that the gifts were stolen? My aunt told me that she saw one of the staff at our reception milling around the gift table and it looked like she put something in her pocket. I didn't receive gifts from some long time family friends and I thought it was odd. Maybe someone took them.
_____________________________
Deb
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/18/2008 10:32:24 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5386
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
Now, I have no desire, for example, to buy my husband's brother a Christmas present. When I am someday invited to my adult cousins' weddings, I have no desire to give them a gift. I missed this in my earlier post.
I think you need to think your thoughts, feelings and actions through very carefully. You didn't want this brother to come to the wedding because he was living with his girlfriend, but you were hurt and upset that he didn't buy you a present! Do you not thing he'd have been hurt and upset if he learnt (I hope he doesn't) that you didn't want him at his brother's wedding? If you'd got your way and he hasn't been invited to the wedding, do you really think that he'd have bought you a present?
You may be a conservative Christian but your display of Christian love is a bit lacking isn't it? Why not use this as a way to witness to this brother about how wonderful marriage is and what a great gift Christianity (and therefore Christmas) is instead of sulking.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 6:54:09 AM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
You take care of your family and if your husband wants presents for his side, let him shop for them and don't say a word.
We kinda do this already, not out of bitterness or spite, it's just how we divide things up. But if dH asks me to pick up a specific item when I am out and about, then I do, of course. Overall, though, it's usually his responsibility to shop for the adults in his family. (I sometimes shop for our nieces.) But we buy gifts more a small number of people, just parents, brothers and SIL's and nieces. I can't imagine buying gifts for aunts, uncles, etc.
Even so, it is best to let this go in your heart and forgive. Otherwise it'll only be eating away at your heart, not theirs.
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This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 7:17:57 AM
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csl7037
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I have to say this whole thing sounds incredibly petty and selfish. If it was that important, you should've made a gift required with their admission. Or why don't you go ahead and send them a bill.
It's possible they just know more about etiquette than you do. Maybe they think it's tacky to lug gifts into a wedding reception; maybe they know that, by all standards of etiquette, they have up to a year to send you a gift. Or maybe they just think you're spoiled. You don't know the difference between "stuff" and affection.
Get over yourself. Sorry.
< Message edited by csl7037 -- 9/19/2008 8:26:26 AM >
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 8:04:29 AM
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Sideways
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I can see some momentary hurt feelings over this, but it is time to let it go.
Also sounds like a good time to save some money as a newly married couple and just start handing out a nice card with a friendly note for Christmas. Save the actual gift giving for immediate family members or minor children you feel especially close to.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 11:21:08 AM
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bzirk
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Well...here's the other side of the coin:
I sent a very expensive gift to my nephew and his bride and they never even sent a thank you note. I had to call the store where I purchased their gift to see if it was delivered and whether or not they signed for it. It was and they did.
I was miffed at first and then figured that perhaps they accidentally overlooked the thank you note or got too busy and forgot to respond...then I forgave them and moved on. It seems as though you've been mad for nearly six months...I suggest you do the same lest a root of bitterness take hold of your heart.
Good advice.
BTW, I did overlook two thank you notes for the gifts I received at my wedding. Somehow they got caught in a box and did not get mailed with the rest. I did not realize this until about three or four years later when I was going through some boxes. One of the people had since died, so I couldn't send them anything years later. Anyway, my point is that these honest mistakes can and do happen.
_____________________________
may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 11:44:19 AM
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crankius
Posts: 4504
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Here is a good rule for life: People will always disappoint you.
It's a fact.
Once you accept that fact, then you can start letting people off the hook. People are human, they are stupid, they do dumb things.
I am human, I am stupid, and I do dumb things.
You are human, you are stupid, and you do dumb things.
What we are clearly instructed in Scripture to NOT do is keep a record of wrongs and then hold that account as a debt within ourselves. By doing so, you are hurting yourself, and you are hurting your relationship with God.
Give your hurts over to Christ, pray that He will help you be forgiving and gracious. In the future, you can extend the love of Christ to your family without the burden of their debts, because Christ is carrying those debts. (He carries your debts too, and paid an awful high price for those debts, don't you think?)
You have your entire future ahead of you. Recognize the shortcomings of your unbelieving family, and make the most of the blessed life you have with your man.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 3:23:59 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2866
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From: NE Ohio
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I understand your disappointment. You just have to learn to be grateful for what God blessed you with and forgive the rest. When my hubby and I had our wedding reception over half of the guests who RSVP'd that they were coming didn't show. We still had a wonderful time and many of those who came were blessed with taking home tons of left over food. &:)
It was hurtful that many, including immediate family members, did not show up. They didn't even call to excuse themselves. We had to let it go and forgive lest the hurt destroy the joy of the remembrance.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 3:39:31 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3117
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
Here is a good rule for life: People will always disappoint you.
It's a fact.
Once you accept that fact, then you can start letting people off the hook. People are human, they are stupid, they do dumb things.
I am human, I am stupid, and I do dumb things.
You are human, you are stupid, and you do dumb things.
A voice of wisdom has spoken...Hear, Hear!
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 5:23:27 PM
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musicboss11
Posts: 510
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zwielight, first of all welcome to the boards. Second, this sounds like much ado about nothing. It's not your guests job to "build" your household (or as you said "households" so do you have more than one house that you were expecting them to furnish?) Gifts are not a requirment for any one for anything. Giving a gift is a personal option that if given is accepted by a grateful receiver. To expect gifts, and than be upset when you don't get them sounds silly. Just the fact that they took time out of their lives to dress up, and show up at your wedding is a way of congratulating, and wishing well.
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/19/2008 10:37:25 PM
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fluffmonkey
Posts: 1675
Joined: 2/17/2007
From: some where over the rainbow
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quote:
quote:
Here is a good rule for life: People will always disappoint you.
It's a fact.
Once you accept that fact, then you can start letting people off the hook. People are human, they are stupid, they do dumb things.
I am human, I am stupid, and I do dumb things.
You are human, you are stupid, and you do dumb things.
I agree... I am a bride and I doubt I will have many people bring me presents I have no friends and not much family... but I am not going to depend on every one getting me everything so I don't have to buy anything... but I will be very blessed and thankful if I do... but if not I am marrying my best friend!!!
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/20/2008 9:04:23 AM
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bzirk
Posts: 2949
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From: Where the deer and antelope play
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Forgiveness is definitely the key to this situation.
But I love this comment I read on the back of a sugar packet years ago. I liked it so much I had a poster made for my office and kept it on the wall for years and years.
"If you don't have what you want, think of what you don't have that you don't want."
Oh, man, is that the truth. There are so many things like this we have to be thankful for.
All that aside, it doesn't matter our circumstances when it comes to the state of our hearts. No matter how bad things get, we have the Lord and that truly is enough. When things get rough (and they do for everyone at some time), that's when it becomes even more apparent for us Christians. Or it should.
_____________________________
may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affec... - 9/20/2008 10:28:20 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4504
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zwielight,
It's important to understand that these family members may never change, and they may do even stupider things in the future than simply not buy you a gift. Even family you get along with well might in the future do seriously stupid things, like not be happy when you have a baby, or be upset with you for buying a house, or not invite you to special occasions...
Your satisfaction for life should come from the Lord. Lower your expectations about other people, and life will go a lot better for you.
I speak from experience, so I'm not trying to belittle the annoyance you must feel towards your family.
I just want you to consider your future--either the bad behavior of others is going to ruin your memories, ruin your present day experiences, etc., or you will find fulfillment in your relationship with the Lord and build a life with your husband that is blessed.
Be thankful the Lord asks you to leave and cleave. 
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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