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Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 8:24:39 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2108
Joined: 12/11/2007
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What are your expectations during the early stage?
How much contact do you expect?
Do you expect to be exclusively dating right away?
What do you discuss?
The question only applies to dating people that you're actually interested in.
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 9:03:00 AM
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ekserekseez
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May I ask a question? What do you mean by "interested in?" I don't think I'd go out with someone at all if I wasn't somehow interested in them.
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 5:26:41 PM
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Prairiehiker
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Well, there's a lot of people that does a lot of casual dating. I'm not sure if they are interested in the people they are dating, since that's juggling a few people at the same time.
I meant, if you're spending the time getting to know someone that you're truly interested (dating), what would be your expectations and are they realistic?
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 5:43:18 PM
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ekserekseez
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If I'm dating someone, I guess I'm "interested in" getting to know them better, compatibility, that sort of thing.
Do you mean "dating" as in "going out exclusively with one other person," like what when I was in high school they called "going steady?"
I guess I don't do that right away, leave each of our options open, and make it very clear from the very beginning that that's the page I'm on.
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 5:49:07 PM
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losgan
Posts: 714
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From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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What are your expectations during the early stage?
Boy - my life would be a lot simpler right now if I knew! I guess it fluctuates with the person - if I already know them pretty well or not.
How much contact do you expect?
Physically? I prefer to keep that at next to none for quite a long time.
Do you expect to be exclusively dating right away?
No - and I wish I knew when that is appropriate to start considering!
What do you discuss?
So far - family, beliefs, hobbies, we've touched on the future (at 3 dates right now) and a little bit of history, how we came to know the Lord, and generally just enjoying one another's company.
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 5:57:56 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2108
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quote:
How much contact do you expect?
Physically? I prefer to keep that at next to none for quite a long time.
I meant, how often do you check in on each other? How often do you communicate?
I guess I"m one of the few that won't casually date, and if make it past the second date, I would expect him to see only me and get to know only me, until we're both sure we're not compatible. It sort of make it easier to build trust with each other and put each other feel at ease.
With regards to communication, after 7 days and i don't hear from a man, I write him off for good. There's no reason for a man not to keep in touch if he's interested...other than if he's in his death bed, lol.
I'm beginning to think my expectations are unrealistic when it comes to dating.
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 6:07:06 PM
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sunluvingirl
Posts: 2110
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
How much contact do you expect?
Physically? I prefer to keep that at next to none for quite a long time.
I meant, how often do you check in on each other? How often do you communicate?
I guess I"m one of the few that won't casually date, and if make it past the second date, I would expect him to see only me and get to know only me, until we're both sure we're not compatible. It sort of make it easier to build trust with each other and put each other feel at ease.
With regards to communication, after 7 days and i don't hear from a man, I write him off for good. There's no reason for a man not to keep in touch if he's interested...other than if he's in his death bed, lol.
I'm beginning to think my expectations are unrealistic when it comes to dating.
Amen!! There's no way I would be able to date someone knowing he was also going out with others, I'm just not made that way.
And no, PH, your expectations are not unrealistic IMO.
_____________________________
 "There are no accidents in the life of faith. In its music, the accidentals perfect the harmony."
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 6:53:42 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8064
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
What are your expectations during the early stage?
I expect her to be interested in me. I expect her to be honest with me. I expect both of us to try to be good witnesses to each other and the world. Most expectations I'd have in the early stages would have already been met if we are already dating
quote:
How much contact do you expect?
I like a lot of communication. If I'm talking to her daily and we are both enjoying it then thats right for us. In any event I'd like to talk to her at least every third day.
quote:
Do you expect to be exclusively dating right away?
With the exception of rare pre-arranged circumstances, if we are not exclusively dating after the second date there's no reason to see her again. Either we fit well enough to explore or we don't.. There's no room for trying on this gy and that guy and comparing then KWIM?
quote:
What do you discuss?
Everything. I like to do politics and religion right up front. Of course I'd already know she's a Christian by the second date so that topic is easy (commitment level mostly). Politics is important because if she doesn't agree with me on the dates we'd never survive to the wedding
quote:
The question only applies to dating people that you're actually interested in.
If I wasn't interested in possibly marrying her I wouldn't date her.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 7:38:58 PM
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FunBetty
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What are your expectations during the early stage?
In the early stage I've mostly just felt it out to gauge interest (on both sides) and look for potential yellow or red flags. I'm not one to get overly involved in the beginning, especially if I do not know the guy.
How much contact do you expect?
I think it depends on the person and how comfortable you are with him. Guys who have overcontacting in the beginning before I am sure of proceeding have typically "scared" me off. There has to be a fine balance between maintaining the communication and maintaining the proper space.
Do you expect to be exclusively dating right away?
No. As stated above, I'd rather spend the time getting to know the person first before determining if we could be a potential match. However, once that has been mutually determined, I would expect that exclusiveness on both sides.
What do you discuss?
Whatever we are both comfortable with! Early on I do want to know where He stands with His walk, which may or may not be directly answered through questions. (I'm an observer by nature). Other than that, finding things in common is best.
_____________________________
Fun Betty's Therapy Centre and Cheesecake GT Watch
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 7:41:15 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2108
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quote:
And no, PH, your expectations are not unrealistic IMO.
Thank you. You have no clue how much I needed to hear that today. I feel the same as John O that if we're not exclusively dating after the second date, we're really not into each other and we're just playing games. I won't invest my time, emotions and other things (what other things, lol) on anyone who's investing them in every other woman he finds attractive. I'd like to feel and also, would like to guy to know that at least I liked and respected him enough to give him my full attention...and even if it didn't work out, at least we both gave it a good try.
Besides, relationships building would just get so much easier when you know that right from the start that you're trying to build a safe place for each other so that you can communicate openly.
< Message edited by Prairiehiker -- 9/30/2008 8:00:02 PM >
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 8:50:36 PM
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ChoirDJ
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From: So Cal
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I don't think it's healthy to commit to building an exclusive friendship with just one person so early in the game. I like the approach of building several frienships and allowing the natural process to weed out the friendships that don't have potential. I am seeing someone right now but my perspective is that it's just a friendship because we don't know enough about each other yet to know if the relationship should move to the next stage. We hang out mostly in group settings and we communicate by e-mail so as to not speed up the relationship before it's time. Although, I have friendships with other women, this woman in particular has distinguished herself so far.
From my perspective, a Christ-centered relationship is always aimed towards wanting the absolute best for the other person so I would encourage the woman I am seeing to pursue other friendships. It would be selfish of me to want to be with her if there is someone who ends up being a more suitable match. But, if after we both have pursued other friendships and our paths lead continue to lead to each other...fantastic.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 10:31:22 PM
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losgan
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From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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So - how do you go from dating from time to time to something else? How does that get brought up?
I've been on three "dates" (dinners at least?) with this person ... but we haven't discussed something like that. But I'm comfortable with that we haven't at this point.
As far as communicating - well, it seems to be every three or four days, depending on what is going on. I ran into him for about 30 seconds today, but it wasn't a planned thing or something intentional. I know I'll see him tomorrow. I also know he was out of town for four days and that this week in particular is very very busy.
Yet - I am at the stage where I freak out a little when I don't hear from him often (which is just plain silly). At the same time - if he was calling all the time I'd think he wasn't someone who could give me my space?
Yeah - I'm totally at the losing my mind stage!
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RE: Early dating phase - 9/30/2008 11:13:43 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2108
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Ask yourself how long you can handle it? Can you last another month, 2 months, 3 months, with only dating and not really having any sort of status other than "casually dating". IF you can handle that for a long time, then you have nothing to worry. Go with the flow and see where it goes.
Of course, I'm not like that. I'm very intentional when it comes to dating. A month and we're not having a talk about us, then, I know I'll move on. Of course, my ideal dating relationship is when you're just so into each other than you don't really need to talk about it, since you just can't wait to talk to each other every day. (I'm dreamin', lol. It seems Christian men are very much into the "friends" first approach.)
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 12:38:19 AM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1176
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
What are your expectations during the early stage?
How much contact do you expect?
Do you expect to be exclusively dating right away?
What do you discuss?
The question only applies to dating people that you're actually interested in.
I must comment here...
the woman on the right side of my screen that keeps checking her laptop, texting her little phone, and then this huge pizza is shoved at her- she knows! how to order a pizza! And she's going to need help eating that, too.
Sorry about that, and not, I'm not going to register now to try to date her.
Early dating phase (set your phasers for early dating...)
Early stage expectations of dating... let's see... building on a friendship... .
Yeah, ok, I'm with this one now. Our friendship has provided me a sense that she is certainly not someone for someone else to discover. If she's making a lot of plans, and trying to consistently impress things are challenged. I'd expect we'd want to be sharing church settings and slowly introducing each other to others we know. Maybe some double dating with others. I'd expect she's goinng to be waiting on me to suggest a lot of the get togethers. If there's room for competing schedules do to work, or whatever, that this would get some early attention.
how much Contact (by which the woman means communication- very important to establish such definitions)- I'd expect a little bit more. I'd also comment that there are ladies I've known of who plan on saving kiss number one for the wedding day- and having not heard of that until recently, if there's the possibility of that being her desire, then I'd ask about that. You must remember this, a kiss is just not just a kiss in that instance. And would that mean no buss on the cheek, etc. etc. Whoa there! What about that communication? I don't have the heart to delete that, just because this is too funny. More communication, and by that I mean real talk, and less gaa gaa goo goo see who can declare their love the most times before the phone is hung up. 
Exclusive right away? NO! Each of us should be dating two other people pluse each other all at once. Yes, dating is like a prelude to the big pilot, you Honda lovers. I do think considering one person at a time when dating is the only way to go about it.
What do you discuss?
Well, there's been a good bit discussed in the friendship phase already. You know, what I'd discuss is what I can't discuss.
That means she and I are building on a friendship God's blessed us with, and we'd be deciding that things discussed would start to be more personal, and could take on a phase known as keepittoyourselfedness between us. That not everything has to be like on reality TV or those magazines that tell the world of our love for each other, etc. etc.
Now... what would be a good word in the communication realm that means physical contact? Hmm...
_____________________________
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 12:47:33 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8064
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Ask yourself how long you can handle it? Can you last another month, 2 months, 3 months, with only dating and not really having any sort of status other than "casually dating". IF you can handle that for a long time, then you have nothing to worry. Go with the flow and see where it goes.
Of course, I'm not like that. I'm very intentional when it comes to dating. A month and we're not having a talk about us, then, I know I'll move on. Of course, my ideal dating relationship is when you're just so into each other than you don't really need to talk about it, since you just can't wait to talk to each other every day. (I'm dreamin', lol. It seems Christian men are very much into the "friends" first approach.)
Not all Christian men. Friends first means husband never (for me at least)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 5:42:38 AM
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losgan
Posts: 714
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From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Ask yourself how long you can handle it? Can you last another month, 2 months, 3 months, with only dating and not really having any sort of status other than "casually dating". IF you can handle that for a long time, then you have nothing to worry. Go with the flow and see where it goes.
Of course, I'm not like that. I'm very intentional when it comes to dating. A month and we're not having a talk about us, then, I know I'll move on. Of course, my ideal dating relationship is when you're just so into each other than you don't really need to talk about it, since you just can't wait to talk to each other every day. (I'm dreamin', lol. It seems Christian men are very much into the "friends" first approach.)
Not all Christian men. Friends first means husband never (for me at least)
Well, given my past damage ... I feel like I'm starting a square one (was talking about this with one of the ladies in my Bible study last night). I feel about 12.
I'm trying to go with the flow - and trying to balance getting to know him (which is going hand-in-hand with starting to like him more) with not letting my emotions get out of control. "Falling off the deep end" as my friend put it.
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 7:10:29 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12885
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From: west coast of FL
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quote:
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
I can't believe I'm about to do this - but, since it was brought up by the OP in another post, then, with her permission - this can be discussed in here too.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 8:20:33 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2108
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
quote:
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
I can't believe I'm about to do this - but, since it was brought up by the OP in another post, then, with her permission - this can be discussed in here too.
OH NO!!!!! I can't believe I made that mistake! LOL. Yikes....did I just open up the old can of worms???
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 8:22:05 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2108
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
What's wrong with building your friendship while exploring your "romantic" possibilities. Why does it have to be separate. If you found out that your crush views you as a friend or if you found out that he's dating a few others, how would you feel?
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 9:29:08 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12885
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
What's wrong with building your friendship while exploring your "romantic" possibilities. Why does it have to be separate. If you found out that your crush views you as a friend or if you found out that he's dating a few others, how would you feel?
Yep, that's what I would like to know too! 
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 12:49:11 PM
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agapemami
Posts: 144
Joined: 1/24/2006
From: somewhere over the rainbow
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
What are your expectations during the early stage?
How much contact do you expect?
Do you expect to be exclusively dating right away?
What do you discuss?
The question only applies to dating people that you're actually interested in.
After the 3rd/4th date, I expect to be exclusive. I cant get to know someone if Im talking to 1 or more different men. I would expect a call a at least 2 times a week and maybe a text or 2 asking how Im doing.
I expect to see that person at least every 2 weeks...everyone works and is busy in this life...once a week is fine if we live close to each other.
Since its not an engagement, I dont expect to talk about engament stuff. Just life...work, family, politics, literature:) church, the people walking by...there are questions that need to be asked and shouldnt wait till if you get engaged...like his calling in life...
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 1:43:56 PM
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losgan
Posts: 714
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Austin-Garland, Texas
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
What's wrong with building your friendship while exploring your "romantic" possibilities. Why does it have to be separate. If you found out that your crush views you as a friend or if you found out that he's dating a few others, how would you feel?
Ok, good point. It would definitely relegate him to the "friends ONLY" field. And I'd be sad.
As far as dating a few others ... well, I'd hope it was ending soon (the dating others) since we've been on several. I wouldn't want to go on like that for long.
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 3:42:02 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4171
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: losgan
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
some people are told by an interest they just wanted to take things slow and have a friends first approach and nothing ever happened romantically ... of course sometimes things do happen romantically so it's probably just personal experience ...
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 5:45:53 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8064
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: losgan
What's wrong with the "friends first" approach?
There's a theory of human interaction called the ladder theory. (Unfortunately the main site where it was posted is no longer up and the copy sites has coarsened the language so much that they are not worth reading.)
The theory states that when a man meets a woman he evaluates her and places her on his ladder. More desirable women go to the top in the "potential" section. Lesser desirable women go to the middle in the "friends" section and undesirable women drop of the bottom into the abyss.
A woman's position on the ladder is not static. A high potential could drop to low friend and bounce back again.
So far no problems and all is well with the world. Guys can date their friends.
Then we talk about women. Women have two ladders. The "potential" ladder and the "friend" ladder. When she meets a guy she evaluates him as to which ladder he should be put on and then where on that ladder he fits in. While the positions on each ladder are not static, and a guy can move off the potential ladder and on to the friend ladder, the theory says that a guy CANNOT move from the friend ladder to the potential ladder. And here's the problem.
A women tends to become more attractive the longer a guy knows her. If there are no higher ranked women in his life at the time he will become attracted to his friend and raise her to potential level.
He approaches her for something more than friendship and almost always gets the kiss of death: "I just want to be friends" or "I don't want to risk ruining our friendship by dating you"
What she doesn't realize is that the friendship is already ruined and will not recover. If He hangs around it will either be as an emasculated sychophant, trying to win her favor by being her "friend" or as a rejected, and mostly bitter suitor. Once rejected, always rejected. Can't go back to being a friend.
Likewise if you were dating and he gets hit with the "I just want to be friends" KoD. He will always be attracted to you in a romantic way, Friends just doesn't cut it.
Now I'm sure some will argue and say that exceptions do exist, and I'm sure they do, But I've seen tis played out more times than I care to remember and it holds true.
So the danger in intentional friends first is that the guy is trying to build a romantic relationship (he's already attracted to you that way, else he wouldn't ask you out in the first place) while you're trying to build a friendship. He gets rejected right ff the bat.
Second danger in intentional friends first is the time investment. He could end up spending a year of exclusive dating time building a friendship with you only to find that he's trapped in the friends ghetto ("I like you too much as a friend to risk that") He finds that he's wasted a year of his life and still has no wife.
If he asks you on a date, he's interested in being more than friends. If he just wanted a friend he'd get a dog or something.
(Very sloppily written but most of it is accurate)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Early dating phase - 10/1/2008 6:12:28 PM
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losgan
Posts: 714
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Austin-Garland, Texas
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
If he asks you on a date, he's interested in being more than friends. If he just wanted a friend he'd get a dog or something.
I guess my question was more from the, what's wrong with it being someone you don't know well at first, but that gradually grows into something.
But the above sentences are very encouraging to my situation :)
And the more I think about it - as much as I'd like to argue with your theory - there is some truth to it. When I think back, I've been noticing my interest for quite a while - and never had the thought "I bet he'd be a great friend." It was more like "I wonder who that is" which grew into "I wonder what he does, I wonder if he's single, I want to know more about him."
ETA - I guess it is the intent then. As much as I say I want to be friends with someone first ... I would never approach someone I thought I had potential for me with a "lets stay just friends" intent.
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