RE: A life to cherish (Full Version)

All Forums >> [General] >> Blog Towne



Message

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (2/21/2006 6:39:17 PM)

Was going to blog last night, but I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. I knew I wouldn't have got far typing this out.

Well, there's been a change in plan over the Sydney thing. I went looking at prices in the different travel agents yesterday for the trip, before I found out about the changes. She called back just after I left, and I forgot to have my mobile/cell phone on. It seems that her brother has set up a pile of things for them to do whilst they are over there, such as meeting up with cousins etc. They hadn't told her, so she just assumed that it was ok for me to be there for the whole time. It's been suggested that I go over to Sydney on the second week for a week. It would still mean that we would be together for our birthdays and we could still celebrate together.

I'll have to see if I can get another set of figures to go with these dates. It was going to be more expensive coming home as it was Easter weekend I would have been travelling home on. I don't know how much of a difference it would have made, but I guess when I head back to the travel agent's, I'll find out. It would be so much easier in this situation if I had a credit card. You can get cheaper fares online.

I still want to see her. I really do miss her, and I don't want to disappoint her by not coming. I guess in some ways it would be more manageable than a longer trip.

All the same stresses are coming out again. Putting people out because of my diet. Being scared of what people are going to say when they see me, as I have put on so much weight since they saw me last time. They have no idea about my eating disorder. Whenever my friend has called me in the past, she has been upset about something, and I didn't want to drop the bombshell on her. (I highly suspect she has an eating disorder too, but won't admit it). When I lost weight several years ago, (back in high school), due to a major illness, K's mum immediately commented on my weight. They may not say anything in front of me, but I can imagine that that will be a point of discussion. Part of me thinks that it's an awful lot of money for a week. We've got some big bills coming in at the moment, and it makes me feel even more that I'm just not going to be able to afford the trip. When I told her the price of the fares, she was really shocked. It's not much more for their flights to come to Australia from New Zealand. It probably sounds really silly, but the whole thing has been stressing me out so much that I've had to give myself calmatives/sedatives as I get so teary, anxious and agitated thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about it. It just terrifies me! I know it probably sounds like a really weird response to something like this, but I can't help it. It's all so new, even though there will be people there that I know. So much to get my head around.

Still don't even know if God wants me to be there yet. I guess we'll wait and see.

If I go, I'll leave on the 2nd of April and come back about the 9-10th of April.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (2/24/2006 1:08:09 PM)

*Sigh*. I don't know whether I'll get this finished before I fall asleep, but I'll try.

Things are going really tough at the moment. As I think I've mentioned, I'm in the process of changing my antidepressants at the moment. It is so INCREDIBLY hard! I was taking lovan, which is like prozac. I've been on it for many years, and have just changed around the second antidepressant instead. Believe me, it's no fun just being on the lovan by itself. I become a screaming/crying/miserable wreck that's just NOT fun to live with. This time, the doctor decided to take me off the lovan and put me onto a completely different antidepressant than he's ever given me before. I had to come off the lovan for a week before starting a small dosage of the new med. Well, it's weeks on now, and it would seem that all of the lovan is now out of my bloodstream. Unfortunately, at this point, the new med hasn't sufficiently built up in my system to start being of any help to me. It's like I'm not on antidepressants anymore.

I know that I'm not thinking straight at the moment. I'm extremely emotional, and I know it's because of the medication situation. I've spent most of tonight in tears. John had to stop me in mid text from texting my friend to tell her that I wasn't going to go to Sydney. He was telling me that at the moment, I'm not in a position to make major decisions.

Everything is just bugging me at the moment. I hear myself telling me that I should be helping John and Joan out more. Financially. Help with expenses on the car etc. I know they struggle financially. Help more around the house. Spend more time with Bailey. Exercise again as I feel I'm letting people down by not doing anything more about the eating disorder. Stop eating. I'm eating so much lately, and it's no wonder I'm not losing any weight. I feel like I've just been so selfish and not thinking about others.

I think that if I stay home, I can use the money to help John and Joan.

This afternoon, Joan went out into the back room. The curtain between the rooms that we were in was slightly open. Bailey could see me, and he just sat there and cried hysterically. It didn't matter how much Joan patted him and reassured him, he wanted me. I know sometimes he goes on hunger strike if he doesn't see me. I don't feel comfortable about leaving him in those circumstances.

He's not the only reason that I don't feel comfortable about going. I know it's probably the lack of meds talking. There are so many "shoulds" running through my head. So many things that are wanting to drive me again. If you think about it, could you please pray for me? Please pray for John and Joan too, as they try to deal with me and keep me in some kind of sanity.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (2/26/2006 6:21:34 AM)

I still don't know quite what I'm thinking or feeling. Called the friend that was going to be checking out the prices of airfares for me. It seems that he put the quote on his wife's desk a couple of days ago. He had found midnight flights, meaning arriving in Sydney at 6am. I wouldn't have liked them having to pick me up at that time of the morning if I was going. It may not have bothered my friends, but I wouldn't have liked it.

Had to wait until she got home from a meeting. It seems that they've made some bookings for me, leaving on the 2nd of April and coming home on the 10th of April. I can pay them back after I get back from the trip. So, it seems that I'm going.

I still have pros and cons going through my heads, mainly cons. People have all been saying to me that they feel that it would be good for me to go. It seems that they will be getting their wish. Still have to save money to go, so I'm going to have to be more careful than usual. That's my latest news.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (2/27/2006 12:03:27 PM)

I'm sitting here looking at the eticket that I've had emailed to me. I still can't believe I'm going to be going to Sydney. I'm already trying to plan what I can take on the plane with me to eat as I can't eat the food that they serve.

Sometimes I wonder whether I made the right decision about having the gastric banding done. Ever since, I can't eat a lot of the foods that people take for granted. Meat, bread etc. It means that I can no longer eat things like sandwiches, pizza etc. Sometimes even foods that my stomach will accept, becomes the enemy without any warning. I'm going to have to work out some way of arranging meals for myself whilst I'm away. I think whilst I'm home, I'm so used to what I can eat, and it isn't a hassle or imposition to have certain foods. As I arrive there on a Sunday night, it's going to be a little difficult to go shopping for dinner that night or get groceries for myself for while I'm there. I'm sure we'll sort something out though.

Already, I'm fighting thoughts in my mind about taking a lot of junk food with me. Not the healthiest thing to take, I know. They don't know about my eating disorder, and I don't feel comfortable raiding their fridge whenever I feel like it. They'd probably wonder what was going on if I bought a lot of high calorie foods whilst I'm there, and sometimes how quickly it disappears.

I still have to try and work on finances. It's not easy on a disability pension, but I'm definitely going to be doing my best to budget.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/1/2006 10:11:49 AM)

It's been a long and tiring day. Everything started off ok. Joan and I went shopping. As she sometimes does, she started to feel a little dizzy, so she sat and I went and did the grocery shopping before we went home. She had a doctor's appointment early this afternoon. She was going to talk to her about her knee. She is still having trouble from the knee surgery she had about 2 years ago. I told her to tell the doctor about her feeling dizzy and the other symptoms she's been having. The next thing, I get a phone call from John telling me that the doctor is sending her for an ECG and then wants her to come right back. A little while later, John arrives home and tells me that the doctor has ordered that Joan go to the emergency room at the hospital.

It's after 11pm and I've not long got home. John is still with her at the hospital. We arrived at the hospital at 3.30pm. The ECG has shown that Joan is experiencing a racing heartbeat. They started her on a medication to normalise it, and she had a violent reaction to it. She is allergic to it, and didn't know. They are waiting for that to get out of her system before trying her on anything else. They are hoping that it will go away on it's own, the heart irregularity, but they aren't sure if that will happen. They will try medication, and if that doesn't work, they are going to give her an electric shock to try and normalise things. Obviously, she has been admitted to hospital. We're not sure when she'll be home, or what's causing the problem in the first place. Apparently this is the 4th episode in the last 9 months. She's never felt any pain or anything that would make her think she has a heart problem. Any and all prayer would be appreciated.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/2/2006 8:50:12 AM)

It's been another long day. Most of it has been spent at the hospital. There is a shopping centre not far from the hospital, so we called in and I got her some reading material and puzzle books to keep her occupied and some flowers, as she loves orchids. She's looking a lot better today. Pretty tired, but looking better.

They finally got her into a ward at 1am this morning. They managed to get her stabilised too. She's been put onto another medication to try and normalise her heartbeat. She's doing a 24 hour ECG, and John saw her ECG this morning on the screen at the nurse's station. He said it was looking so much better. A lot more like normal. High peaks and low peaks. As we were leaving tonight, we saw the ECG again. John says that it has deteriorated a lot since this morning's. From what he described, it looked totally different from then. It is shallow spikes now. Not looking at all good.

She had a heart ultrasound/sonogram this afternoon. We don't know the results of that, but hopefully will after the doctor has been tomorrow. Hopefully the blood work etc will be back too.

From what the doctor said this morning, Joan has had this heart problem for a long time, but somehow it has been hidden. She was told that she'll probably be in hospital for a few days.

I'm afraid that with her heart rhythm being the way that it was tonight, if it doesn't change, they WILL give her an electric shock to try and regulate her heartbeat. I really hope I'm wrong. I don't like the thought of them having to do something like that to her. I know it may be necessary, but still.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/3/2006 11:00:54 AM)

I'm feeling pretty tired, but I thought I'd come and update everybody on the latest. Hopefully I don't fall asleep in the middle of posting like I tend to do sometimes.

No real problems on the ultrasound/sonogram of her heart. She thankfully didn't need to have electric shock in the end.

Joan was meant to come home from the hospital this morning. The doctor had given her some more meds to slow her heartbeat down. Everything looked like it was going well. Apparently they had taken her blood pressure as she was on the way down. Not long after the doctor had been, she started feeling lightheaded. It was just before we got there. It seems that she was prescribed too large a dose, and it sent her blood pressure way too low. They let it work its way out of her system. She was feeling fine and the doctor was beginning to think it would be ok to let her come home, but wanted to observe her for a little while longer before deciding once and for all. Again, he went to see her, and she had really started deteriorating again. We were there to see her blood pressure etc, and they had shot way up again. The doctor told her she wasn't going anywhere. They're hopeful that she will be able to come home tomorrow, but I'll believe it when I see it. I know that because of all the work the meds have made her heart do, she's going to be very tired, and she'll be sleeping a lot in the next few days after she finally does get home.

John says that he's holding up well and that he's used to the hospital visitations etc from his time in clergy, but I know that he's not finding it easy. I haven't found it easy either, but I'm trying not to let him know just how much it's affecting me. He knows it's bugging me, but I haven't said entirely to what extent. Before all of this happened, people were telling me how exhausted I'm looking. Joan and John and BOTH telling me how tired I'm looking now, more than before. I'm trying to pick up the slack, helping more around the house, playing secretary with the phones, doing errands etc. John's busy enough and can't do everything on his own. I know that he's really exhausted too. This afternoon, he went back down to the car and had a sleep for a while whilst I stayed with Joan. I think we'll all be happy once Joan is home. I think our household will be catching up on a lot of sleep, in between visitors to see Joan.

I've told them about your prayers for us, and John and Joan have asked me to thank you all for all of your prayers and support. Of course, so do I.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EVERYBODY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/3/2006 10:58:38 PM)

Woohoo! Joanie is home! YAY!

We got home about 30 minutes ago. When we got there, the doctor had just been, and the discharge papers were there for her to be signed. She just shoved everything into her bag and couldn't get out of the place quick enough. She looks so much better now. Of course, the next days are probably going to be spent sleeping, but we can handle that.

I know John was well and truly looking forward to her coming home. I found him this morning, sitting on the end of the bed, staring into the wardrobe. Poor thing.

Thankyou again for all of your prayers. It is much appreciated.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/4/2006 11:49:57 AM)

Joan had a few visitors this afternoon. After lunch, she decided that she was going to doze in front of the TV. John and I were really tired, so we decided to go and have a sleep ourselves. When I woke up, Joan told me that she'd had a panic attack, thinking that she was going to end up back in hospital. She even packed her bags in readiness for the trip back up there. Poor thing. She's calmed down again now.

During my sleep, I had a number of nightmares. I thought I'd share some of my nightmares, not for spiritual discussion and argument, but just as something to share.

I kept dreaming that I should be signing myself back in to a psych ward. No, not because of all of you. Mind you, if I had all of you on my ward, I might consider it. LOL! [;)][8D] Seriously though, in my dreams, I was being told that I would always be alone and that I would never have anybody. That I would never be good enough for a special somebody. In my dream, it was like I was nothing without this special somebody, whoever he may be. In my dream, I wanted somebody to talk to out it, but nobody was available.

I don't think about a relationship 24/7. If I do, it's not a conscious thing. So many people have told me in the past that I don't need a partner to complete me. God is there to do that. I'm reminded of the passage in Genesis where God said to Adam that it's not good for man to be alone and He made woman to be his helpmate. I know that God calls some to be single, and whilst I once thought I was one, it seems that that's not exactly the case. Maybe I'll talk about this later. I need to get some sleep.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/4/2006 7:55:21 PM)

Sorry about that, I fell asleep midblog.

Once upon a time, I thought that I was one that God was calling to singleness. As a kid, I had just thought that I'd do the marriage and kids thing. As I grew older, I thought it would be the marriage and adoption thing. (I started being too scared of childbirth as I heard it was painful). Then somewhere along the line, I just didn't want to have anything to do with men. Didn't want to get married. In fact, there was this side of me that became extremely angry if anybody even mentioned that I could have a boyfriend or husband one day. I've never been raped, but I have had men do innapropriate things, especially in my teens. Years later, I was in love with a man who led me on. Again, not a good thing to happen. Deep down though, there was a need in me to be loved, a desire to have somebody special. I know the Lord is special. VERY special. I don't know why to me, that's not enough. I know it probably sounds like absolute blasphemy. We hear so often that God is sufficient. For me, that is mostly true, but there's still this ache in my heart for somebody with flesh and bones. Somebody that I can reach out and touch. I don't know if you can understand what I mean. Maybe it comes back down to when God said, "It's not good for man to be alone". Maybe it's just and extreme reaction on my part. I asked John last night, "I know loneliness is painful. It's something that I feel all the time. Is there anything beyond loneliness?"

Right now, I know that I'm not in the position to meet anybody special. I run and hide. I avoid people in the real world, too scared to leave the house. I know depression has a lot to do with that. So this is partly my own fault. I can't meet who I'm not willing to leave the house for. At least not at this stage.

I know that I should just get on with things and let God take care of the details. Keep going along in life and let God be God. Keep being there for others. Focusing on things other than myself and the things that I would like. Be content whether I have a mate or not. Believe me, I've tried. If I could stop feeling the way I do, I would. It just won't go away. It's like I'm just groaning from deep inside.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm whinging. I don't mean to be. I know that there are others who are lonely too, and who've gone through far worse than me. I'm just trying to understand myself, and give myself a voice. I know that I have such a fear of loneliness and a fear of rejection. In time, I will have continued prayer for those things.

Well, I suppose I should stop here otherwise I could write a novel. I'll talk to you all later.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/6/2006 11:53:24 PM)

Joan went to the doctor this morning for a checkup. It's been a long weekend here. They are going to do another 24 hour ECG next week, so that there's more information for when she gets to see the cardiologist. Thankfully she won't be in hospital while she does this procedure.

I can't believe that it's 26 days to go until I leave for Sydney. There's a little bit of excitement going on here, but at the same time, it still seems so unreal. I guess it'll be a little while and it won't be so unreal anymore.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/9/2006 10:25:50 AM)

Must be time for medical appointments. I had one this afternoon. Was just something routine. They are going to be increasing my antidepressants again. The last time I talked to him, he said I could have one. I was so miserable that John and I put it up to 1.5 in the hopes he wouldn't get mad. Now I'm on 2. When I go to Sydney, I go up to 3, and then when I see him after I get back, I'll be up to 4. So much for thinking 1.5 would upset him. Not too thrilled with the possible side effect of low blood pressure and passing out. Not so bad when I'm home, but I don't want that to happen in Sydney. That would TOTALLY freak my friends out. That's something I'm going to have to warn them about, just in case.

I'm being sent for some tests. I've been experiencing a lot of pain for months now. The last doctor I saw said that if it didn't improve, to get some tests run to see if it was viral or arthritis. I'm being checked for those things, as well as lupus, Ross River Virus and a lot of other things. Anti-nuclear factor. He tells me that it won't stop terrorists from shooting me down in the plane though. Don't panic, he was joking about the terrorists. I know. He has a weird sense of humour sometimes. [8|] Sometimes he tells his jokes and has a little smile to himself, and I just sit there looking at him as if to say, "Pardon?"

A friend of mine leaves for New Zealand for a holiday tomorrow. I've already told her some of the protocol in case they go onto the Maori marae where their meeting houses are. That, and some tips for when she's travelling. A very quick history lesson.

Seems to be the time for travelling too. Another friend is away for 10 days. I leave in 24 days. Then not long after that, the friend who is currently away goes to the UK for a few weeks. All from my craft group. No wonder we can never get all of the members together at the same time for craft! [8|]



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/13/2006 9:55:58 AM)

Went and did my blood tests the other day. They took 8 vials of blood and at the end, my vein collapsed. I hope they got enough for the last one because it didn't get filled before the vein collapsed.

Oncology is coming up on the 28th of this month. The blood work has been done for that too. I don't forsee any problems there.

It's been a while, but I was feeling pretty bad last night. I haven't wanted to do this for a while, but I was seriously thinking of going walking around the streets in the pitch black. Not the wisest thing to do. I couldn't have even taken Bailey with me as he doesn't stay in his leash if he gets out of the yard. He sees it as a prime opportunity to run away, and in the middle of the night? NOT a good idea.

Joan went and had her 24 hour ECG attached to her this morning. I went with her and for the first time in absolutely ages, had a panic attack. It started in the cardiology office, but had nothing to do with Joan. I'm going to have to watch out for those things again. John was just saying to me the other day that the panic attacks have stopped as I haven't had one in months and months. Oh well. Back to the drawing board. [8|][&o]



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/16/2006 10:48:51 AM)

Was just checking through my email a few minutes ago, and came across this. I thought I'd share. I've heard some of them, but not all of them.

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

It's amazing sometimes how kids try to process the things they learn in Sunday school and the things that we teach them about the bible etc. Whilst they are meant to be funny, it can also serve to make you think about the power of God. For example, this one:

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

How many men did it take to cover Jesus' tomb? Just the power of his resurrection was enough the His tombstone was shifted to reveal that Jesus was no longer left in the tomb. He had indeed risen, as it was prophecied that He would be. What out of these 'funnies' gives you something to really think about, and not just because it's funny?



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/19/2006 10:55:11 AM)

I kept thinking that it had been a lot longer than this since I last posted, so I thought I'd better get in here and share.

This weekend has been extremely tough. Spiritual warfare has been ruthless and I was beginning to think I needed to check myself into a psychiatric ward. I know John and Joan have been really worried. For months now, I've had people telling me how tired I look, or unwell. I've been struggling with depression big time of late, but especially in the past few days, it's been absolutely terrible. I just haven't known where to put myself. We currently have the Commonweath Games over in Melbourne, and so we are seeing a lot of that on TV. John and Joan really enjoy it. I'm not a huge sports fan. I like some sports, but even those I just couldn't stand! I don't know what's been wrong with me. I heard the telecast on TV and just wanted to scream. Literally. Anybody who knows me, knows that's not me. Not my style at all. I've been finding it even harder than usual to get motivated to do things. Just don't know what to do about it. I'm increasing my antidepressant medication in the hopes that that will help some. I sure hope it does. I'm so unbelievably out of character at the moment that it's not funny. I just don't find any joy in anything right now. I know John and Joan are concerned. Today I slept most of the day. I got up long enough to have breakfast, and then went straight back to bed. I know something's going on because I managed to sleep until 2pm. That's not good. I know I get tired, but that's not something that I do either. [&o]

My craft group comes over tomorrow afternoon. I haven't done much since I last saw them. This will be the last craft group I'll be at before I head to Sydney. The next one is the day after I leave, but that will be ok. Joan can take care of that one. They're a pretty good group.

Hard to believe that a fortnight from now, I'll be in Sydney.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/20/2006 8:10:51 AM)

Had a pretty quiet day today. Had a couple of my craft ladies come over this afternoon to chat. A few of us got some craft done.

Wednesday afternoon, I've got to go to a hospital clinic and get a HRT implant put in. That's probably been part of my problem too. Hormones all over the place, not helping with my mood of late.

Next Tuesday, I head back to oncology for my annual checkup. I really dislike those, but at least they are yearly now and not the 3 month trips that I used to have to do. Another 4 years after this one and hopefully no more oncology.

One of the states on the other side of the country from me, Queensland, was hit by a cyclone this weekend. I've already had some ask if I'm ok. Yes, I'm safe. I know there are some from CW who live in that state, but from what I've heard, they are safe too. It's hard to believe that a category 5 hit Australia. Australia does have some really bad cyclones etc, but it's not too often you hear of something that bad. We've had some category 3's and 4's in the past. Thankfully not where I live though. The city that I live in has had some mini tornadoes that have come out of nowhere. A few years back, John, Joan and I were staying at a friend's holiday apartment, and a day or two after we left, across the road from the place we stayed at was a mini tornado that ripped up everything. Lots of damage, but thankfully no casualties.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/24/2006 11:52:11 AM)

Just 8 more days until I leave for Sydney. I've pretty much got all the things that I need to take away with me. However, I need to chase up the travel insurance people. I've been in contact with them twice now about a policy, and paid it the last time I talked to somebody, and still, I haven't heard anything back from them regarding it.

In the meantime, I have oncology on Tuesday afternoon for my annual checkup. I'm not anticipating any problems.

Joan sees the cardiologist at the end of next week. Tests showed the doctor that her heartbeat is mainly ok, but she does have some extra beats. She's waiting to hear back from the cardiologist as to how to treat Joan's condition. Joan is taking asprin to act as a blood thinner. It's obviously not good that she has extra beats, or that she has AF as it can cause blood clots. That will have to be something else that will have to be decided. Whether Joan will require any more blood thinners.

I don't know why, but I seem to have developed a nervous giggle. I haven't had it for a lot of years, but for some reason, it's come back again. I don't want to laugh because often whatever is going on at the time is not good, but I can't help it. I guess that's something else I'm going to have to pray through. I talked to John and Joan about changes they've seen in me since I've been on the new antidepressant. They've noticed that I'm more aggitated now. I've noticed that too. We've all noticed that my sleeping pattern has changed. We're not sure what to do with it, as ever since I started taking the new meds, I don't get to sleep until at least 1.30am. This morning it was 3am before I finally got to sleep.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/26/2006 9:37:35 AM)

This time last week, part of Queensland (a state on the opposite side of the country from me) was being hit by a category 5 cyclone. Apparently a huge area at the top of my state is expecting 3 cyclones tomorrow. I don't know the intensity of them yet, as I didn't hear if they had been catagorized yet. There's quite a distance between that area and I, so I'll be safe. Having said that, prayers would be really appreciated if you see this.

What a difference a week makes. A week today, I'll be with my friend in Sydney. She arrived in Sydney today. Very tired, but pleased to be there. I sent her a text message to welcome her to Australia. It's been a long time since we've been in the same country, let alone the same area. It'll take about 3 hours to get to Sydney from where I live in Western Australia.

I don't have much to do this week, other than oncology on Tuesday afternoon. That will leave plenty of time for me to do packing etc for the trip.

Joan has her cardiologist's appointment on Wednesday morning, so hopefully we'll have more news then as to what's going on with her heart.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/28/2006 5:11:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherish405

This time last week, part of Queensland (a state on the opposite side of the country from me) was being hit by a category 5 cyclone. Apparently a huge area at the top of my state is expecting 3 cyclones.


Two of the cyclones have died out and/or moved away. Tropical cyclone Glenda already hit the coast earlier on this week, causing massive flooding and damage at the north of the state. The weather is moving parallel to the coast, and we have been told that it could turn into a category 4 or 5 and hit the coast again either Thursday or Friday. Hopefully it wil move right away, just like the other two.

I had my oncology appointment this afternoon. The doctor was pretty rough, but the results showed that everything is ok. I don't have to go back to oncology for another year.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (3/28/2006 10:35:27 AM)

I found it hard when I went to oncology this afternoon. As most of you are aware, I really struggle with weight issues. Somewhere along the line, somebody is bound to bring the subject up, and sure enough, this afternoon, it happened again.

The doctor began asking if I have endocrine problems that would cause my weight problem. Having been tested more than once, I assured him that that was not the problem. He noted that I'd had gastric surgery. He asked me how that had gone, and I told him that I've put on weight since the surgery. The answer obviously didn't impress him and he asked me why. I told him that my band hadn't been completely filled with saline yet, and that I'd only discovered last year that I have an eating disorder. He was totally unsympathetic about the whole thing. Looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing and that I should be trying a lot harder to be losing my excess weight. I've lost count how many times he referred to my weight. I don't know if it's because I'm particularly sensitive at the moment, or what, but I really didn't appreciate all the comments he was making. I felt like telling him that I'm not stupid, and that I am aware that I have a weight problem. Even though I've put on weight since surgery, I've still retained some of the weight that I took off prior to surgery. I never stopped to think to tell him that until after I'd left the office. (He was in a hurry to get me out the door). [8|]

Honestly, I felt so embarrassed when he kept bringing my weight into things. Like I'm just a second class citizen who's too stupid to know what's going on. Like I'm some loser. A failure because the surgery hasn't helped me as it has many other people. I sincerely didn't know how to answer his questions about why I'm not losing weight after having surgery. Why I'm not losing weight. It's made me doubt myself all over again. I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to get back to losing weight again. I'm so NOT motivated. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't know whether it's the depression, or any number of the things I'm being tested for. Maybe it's meds. I don't know. All I know is that I'm feeling really low.

What happens if I need an extender belt on the plane? Just something else to embarrass me. What happens if my friends completely freak out when they see me and how big I am now? I'm really nervous now. [:(]



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/1/2006 10:21:28 AM)

Well, it's late Saturday night here, and 12 hours from now, I will be well and truly on my way to the airport by now, if I'm not already there yet. Things are pretty much packed, but I'm praying that I've got enough space for things. I've got a few bulky items to take with me, and I don't know if they're going to make it into my backpack. They're birthday presents for Kim. One of the things is a box of a perfume products that she likes. I'm not so keen on putting them into my suitcase, as I've seen how rough the baggage handlers can be when moving your baggage around. I'd probably end up with her present being broken all through my bag. There's a few things that I have to pack still, like toiletries, lunch, meds and a few other things. I just have to pray that everything condenses down and doesn't weigh any more. Yeah right. [8|]

The only thing that is real to me about this whole thing is feeling stressed over the packing. I know it's not, but it's as though the trip is still months away. Not excited yet. Maybe once I step on the plane, it will finally seem more real.

I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye to Bailey. If I get a chance to in the morning, I'll do that. I just hope that if I do, that I won't cry. I sure am going to miss my little guy.

Well, I hope I'll be able to get around and say goodbye on some of the other threads. I'm not sure if I will. I've got a couple of things to do before I go to bed, and if I get a chance, I'll be around to see you tonight. I highly doubt I'll have the chance in the morning before I head to the airport. If not, be good, and I'll see you when I get back. Take care of yourselves!



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/11/2006 8:39:49 PM)

Ok, take 2 at this. Hopefully I won't lose the post this time.

My trip wasn't as I expected it to be. Lots of mixed things going on. I actually found most of the trip really hard going. A real struggle in fact.

While I was there, I got to see some of the shopping centres and some of the markets there. Kim and her mum love to go look at those kinds of things. They were looking a lot for presents to take home to New Zealand with them.

One of the things that I really struggled with was the group dynamics. When we went out, Kim and her mother would walk in front of me and talk amongst themselves and not to me. They'd talk to the rest of the family and often not me. Sometimes I wondered what I was doing there. If they weren't talking to each other, they were busy using their mobile/cell phones. I got confused as the phones would sound off so much and everybody in the house had a mobile phone. You couldn't figure out whose it was most of the time. Kim would often be bored, but would use her mobile phone, watch TV or go to bed instead of talking to me. It got really lonely.

Something that used to happen as we were growing up, was that Kim's brothers and father would tease her a lot. They saw it as funny, but it wasn't to Kim, as it wasn't the joking kind of fun. I saw Kim get upset a lot on this trip as comments were made about things she couldn't help due to her cerebral palsy.

I'll continue this in the next post.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/11/2006 9:03:26 PM)

For my birthday, we went to one of the local shopping centres. Michael made a really nice pork roast for dinner. I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to have any as I usually can't eat meat since my surgery. I had a little bit. That was nice. As Kim's birthday was the day after mine, they bought us a combined chocolate mud cake. Very nice.

I got an email from my brothers for my birthday. They told me that my last remaining uncle has been in hospital for about a month and is dying. He is my mum's only remaining sibling. In recent months, my brothers and I have been getting the paperwork together to be able to put up a headstone for my parents' graves. My uncle wants to be buried between his wife and my mother, so we can't get the headstone erected yet anyway. My uncle knows that it won't be long now. Soon we'll be able to get that all sorted. This uncle was the one that I had the most to do with as I was growing up. My favourite uncle. That was hard to hear, especially on my birthday.

It wasn't all bad over there though. I did get to see some of the sights. On the Thursday, we went out to see the Blue Mountains. Pretty spectacular scenery out there. I took some photos, but I haven't had them developed yet. Hopefully soon. Sunday we went to the Chinatown markets, then walked into the city. We caught the ferry over to the Taronga Zoo. We caught the cable car up and down, walked around the zoo. We caught the ferry back and then walked around Circular Quay. We went into the Opera House and saw some of the markets around there. As we were on the ferry, we could see the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge. I managed to get some photos. I normally don't do well on sea craft, but I did well on the ferry. We went back to the Chinatown markets. It was a long day.

I'm still feeling pretty sore, tired and have been getting pretty teary. I hear it's because I'm still having a reaction to the stress of my time over there.

I was waking up at around 4am Perth time, 6am Sydney time. My body was still on Perth time when it came to going to bed though. Everybody else would be in bed, and I couldn't sleep.

We hadn't planned on it, but I ended up talking to John and Joan every night. It was keeping me sane, having somebody to talk to.

It sure is good to be home. Bailey was really funny. I normally say hello to him at the gate whenever I get home. This time I didn't say anything. I got home in time to feed him dinner. I didn't announce myself. I opened the door and for a while he just sat there looking at me as if he thought he was just seeing things. After a while, his tail began to wag. As soon as I started to open the door, he went bizirk, looking for his tennis ball for me to throw for him. He was so funny. I've been giving him lots of cuddles and spending plenty of time with him. I hear he'd been really moping while I was away and the longer I was gone, the worse it had gotten. Oh well, things are back to normal again now, if you can call us normal.

That's all I can think of for now. I might write some more later. It sure is good to be home though. I sure did miss you all.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/17/2006 10:16:30 PM)

Hi everybody. Still slowly recovering from my trip away. Trying to get back to normality.

Saturday I went to a movie with Joan. We saw the Shaggy Dog. Had to do some shopping and had to drop some things over for one of my craft ladies who's disabled and elderly.

Sunday, for the first time in ages, I went to church. That felt so awkward. Part of me was thinking that I shouldn't go because people probably think that I'm a heathen now for not showing up in so long. I've been taking a break from church. Not because anybody has hurt me or anything like that. I just need to get my head around some things and I was just finding things hard. One thing that I've discovered since going to church on Sunday is that I'm not ready to go back yet. Not saying that I never will, but just that I need a bit more space. I haven't lost my faith in Christ. Yes, I am struggling with it, but I know that He's not letting me go anywhere. No matter what I go through, my heart will always be for Him.

Sunday, after church, had to get a couple more things from the supermarket as I'd got the wrong thing and I needed it for craft group yesterday. Stopped off to drop something else off for the same lady as the day before. After lunch, we went to one of the local plant nurseries and picked up some plants. Rose bushes, dietes, camelias and a few other things.

Yesterday we had craft group. That was really good. The lady we have with a disability in the past has always said how she used to do a lot of craft years ago but how it no longer interests her. She comes along for the company as she's extremely lonely. Yesterday, she was knitting a strip that will be used to make a blanket for Anglicare. She'd started it at the last craft afternoon. That to me, is real progress. She's free not to do craft if she so chooses, but it's good to see her do something too. She's not a Christian, and yesterday she was asking lots of questions about the Christian faith. I think it's good that she can see Christians in a 'normal' environment, having fun.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/20/2006 12:16:52 AM)

Just got back from the doctor's. I don't have Ross River Virus, rheumatoid arthritis and all the other things that he was checking for. It did show that my blood sugars are way up and I have to better control that or end up going back onto pills again. No thanks.

I asked him about the pains I have been experiencing and he said that my weight isn't helping, and the longer I carry it, the faster the degenerative joint problems are going to cause problems.

As soon as he walked in, he told me how I wasn't looking good. He's told me that I need to go back to counselling. I'm still on the waiting list for the eating disorders clinic, but he's also saying that I need to talk through the stuff that happened in Sydney as well as the other things that are going on with me at the moment. He's given me a book to read, as well as wanting me to go to counselling. Other than that, he doesn't know what to do. He just put his head in his hands for a while and said that he doesn't know what to do.

I asked him why he thought after all the years of counselling I've had, there's been little, if any, effect. He said that maybe there's a blockage there. Many times people blame the person being counselled. He's not sure why I'm not getting any better with all the counselling.

I have to admit that I'm feeling extremely low at the moment. For the first time in ages, I wanted to go walking alone in the middle of the night. John was NOT impressed.

I'm thinking about maybe not blogging for a while, letting it lapse. Who knows? Maybe I need a hiatus from CW for a while too. I know that if I do, I'll miss everybody here, but I'm just feeling so stressed right now. I don't know what to do.



Page: <<   < prev  3 4 [5] 6 7   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI