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what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 7:50:07 AM
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birdiewatcher
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my 24 yr old son just moved back home after losing his job and having no luck finding a new one. he had been living in another state for the last 2 yrs. while he was there he had a girlfriend (who he met in a bar). he has done nothing but complain about this girl and told me that he tried several times to break up with her, but she just won't go away. she also convinced him to get her a car loan (including insurance) and a cell phone plan in his name since she has already ruined her credit at only age 23. my son tells me he knows he is being manipulated by her but doesn't know how to get out of it, he has too weak of a personality to tell her no. the only thing he told her no about was when she wanted them to live together. they both claim to be christian. but sadly my son has been sitting on the fence for a long time, although he still has good christian friends and goes to church regularly. as for her, all i see is drinking, smoking, and spending. she has a 6 yr old son from a previous boyfriend, but she rarely spends time with her son and sticks him with her grandma all the time. when they came to visit at christmas they made a pretence of sleeping in separate rooms. but i work late at night and came home a couple times where apparently they were both in one room and forgot to shut the door of the empty room to cover their tracks. by morning they were both in separate rooms. i just pretended like i didn't know. he broke up with her (again) a few weeks before he was supposed to move back home. it lasted not even a week. so i guess they agreed to do the long distance thing. i don't know if that is what he wants or he just agreed to make her stop nagging. i even suspected he was moving back home just to get away from her. from all he says, he has no intention of making future with her. i told him i thought it was wrong to date someone once you know you would not marry them, that you are holding each other back from finding the right person. that's all i said about it, besides that he already knows i don't approve of partying and the way she spends (everything has to be designer label). i really want to give him a lecture about seeking a godly wife but i am biting my tongue. besides, he is not fit for a christian girl because he himself is not living a godly life. now my problem: he has been home 2 weeks and she is already planning to come see him. i don't want her here. i don't want them fornicating while i'm at work and making my other son uncomfortable being in the house with them. what do i say? should i tell them to get a motel? he is a grown man and free to sin, but i certainly don't have to provide the place. i think it would be best if he found somewhere else to live so he can live how he wants, but like i said he is unemployed. or do i just trying to be loving and welcome her here and pretend i don't know they are sinning? but i have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing problem, that she is going to be coming every chance she gets. and me and my other son really don't like having her here, she wasn't a very considerate houseguest at christmas. (watching tv loudly late at night, hogging the bathroom, etc). i don't know how God wants me to react to this.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 10:44:55 AM
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hnt
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I think the motel room is a perfect solution. They didn't respect your rules about sleeping together, and I would think that NOT having $$ all the time for the motel room may slow things down a bit. If they can't afford the motel - she doesn't come. I hope with distance your son can find it within himself to break it off for good this time. Sounds like they both need to grow up a bit. My prayers are with you all.
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h Emotional abuse and Faith Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 11:08:06 AM
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TXRedhead
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This is your house. You're free to set whatever boundaries you want to in it; he's free not to live there if he doesn't agree with them. If you don't want her there, then you can say very directly, "Your girlfriend is not welcome in this house. If you want to see her, you'll need to go somewhere else to do it." I'd also recommend setting a deadline for your son to be out of your house and back on his own. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't think he'll do it as long as he's living with Mom.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 11:22:05 AM
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bolt.
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I don't think you need to go so far as 'not welcome in the house' -- but to be more clear, you are not willing to have her as an overnight house guest. Make sure he knows that she can come for dinner etc. during her visit. If he wants to know why, you tell him, "You are a grown man and free to choose sin -- I'm not trying to be your police. But -- last time you visited here together with her, my plans for separate sleeping arrangements were not respected. That offended me, and I am not willing to extend that hospitality again." He will probably say they won't this time, they promise. Repeat that it is not about 'this time' -- there is no this time. Last visit was offensive and there will not be another one.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 11:52:00 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 1978
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: birdiewatcher he has been home 2 weeks and she is already planning to come see him. i don't want her here. i don't want them fornicating while i'm at work and making my other son uncomfortable being in the house with them. what do i say? should i tell them to get a motel? he is a grown man and free to sin, but i certainly don't have to provide the place. i think it would be best if he found somewhere else to live so he can live how he wants, but like i said he is unemployed. You know what kind of boundaries you want to set. You just laid them out here^^. Now.Just.Do.It.
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~Kat "...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 2:27:58 PM
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WasLostAmFound
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When we had adult children living at home, we made it quite clear that the only ones free to indulge in marital privileges were the ones who were paying the mortgage. We didn't make a big fuss about it, and when the kids got bent out of shape, we offered to let them pay the mortgage... I refused to pay car notes, cell bills, car insurance, anything...if they didn't have the $$, then that was not my problem. The kids lived here rent free provided they were actively either employed or looking for a job, in school (in school got considerably more financial aid from us), helping out around the house, and above all, respecting the home we were providing. If they chose not to obey those rules, they were asked to move out. It was that simple.
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Formerly known as NotDoneYet...but...God had other plans!!!! My new blog... http://retirednavywife.wordpress.com/
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 4:30:59 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
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quote:
ORIGINAL: birdiewatcher she also convinced him to get her a car loan (including insurance) and a cell phone plan in his name since she has already ruined her credit at only age 23. my son tells me he knows he is being manipulated by her but doesn't know how to get out of it, he has too weak of a personality to tell her no. You can't put your backbone in his body; when she takes all his money let him fail and I wouldn't give him any money. Not a cent. His suffering (which can be fixed in a year or two by him getting his act together) will teach him better than anything you could say (and have probably already said). God uses consequences to teach so don't get in the middle and let the consequences hit you instead; you aren't the one who needs the lesson. His weak personality is about to get a lesson he'll never forget, and will shape him into a smarter person. quote:
the only thing he told her no about was when she wanted them to live together. Well, it sounds like he lied to you about their sexual intimacy. If I found my son in bed in my house with a woman he wasn't married to, the neighbors would have heard the noise one second later. He lied to you! He's bringing great sin into YOUR house! He'd have found himself on the doorstep soon after that with his suitcase spread over the lawn and the door slammed in his face and the girlfriend outside as well dressed in whatever she had on at the moment. My neighbors could sell popcorn. Wait, if you're his established residency, you'll have to give him a 30 eviction notice. I'd talk to someone (police?) and do it tomorrow. quote:
i even suspected he was moving back home just to get away from her. He's a grown man. I'd give him 2-4 weeks to find another place to live, and then have the locks changed while he was gone one day. Standing on his own feet will help him grow up. It's not like he's 12. Tell him if he breaks into the house after the time limit, the police will be called for trespassing, and he will go to jail. quote:
i really want to give him a lecture about seeking a godly wife but i am biting my tongue. besides, he is not fit for a christian girl because he himself is not living a godly life. Yeah, this is tough to watch for a mom. I'm sorry, Birdiewatcher. quote:
now my problem: he has been home 2 weeks and she is already planning to come see him. i don't want her here. i don't want them fornicating while i'm at work and making my other son uncomfortable being in the house with them. what do i say? I'd tell him, "I saw you guys in the same bed in MY house. She's not coming here again." quote:
should i tell them to get a motel? He can do whatever he wants outside your home. quote:
he is a grown man and free to sin, but i certainly don't have to provide the place. Right on. quote:
i think it would be best if he found somewhere else to live so he can live how he wants, but like i said he is unemployed. When he's on the street and hungry, you'd be amazed how motivated he'll be to get a job. quote:
or do i just trying to be loving and welcome her here God doesn't pat us on the head when we're sawing our leg off. It's not helpful to anyone to be nicer than God. quote:
but i have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing problem, that she is going to be coming every chance she gets. Then nip it now. The answer is "no." quote:
and me and my other son really don't like having her here, she wasn't a very considerate houseguest at christmas. (watching tv loudly late at night, hogging the bathroom, etc). i don't know how God wants me to react to this. God wants us to tell the truth: She brought sin into your house, she's hurting your son, she's unpleasant to you and your other son, she's interferring with your household routine. This is your house, not a public park. I'm sorry, Birdiewatcher. This guy is taking advantage of you, and now he's bringing in strangers to take advantage of you. Stop it now. God bless you, dear. Be strong!
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language. Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it. Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 5:39:09 PM
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WasLostAmFound
Posts: 547
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie Wait, if you're his established residency, you'll have to give him a 30 eviction notice. I'd talk to someone (police?) and do it tomorrow. Not necessarily. If his name is not on the deed to the house or the mortgage note, you are not required to give him 30 days. You aren't required to give him ANY notice at all. My kids tried that...it didn't work. When we asked one of them to leave (after finding weed in his room), he called the police. They told him that we were not bound to any 30 day eviction notice...it was OUR house and we were not required to give him ANY notice whatsoever.
_____________________________
Formerly known as NotDoneYet...but...God had other plans!!!! My new blog... http://retirednavywife.wordpress.com/
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 6:39:24 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1117
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
my 24 yr old son just moved back home after losing his job and having no luck finding a new one. he had been living in another state for the last 2 yrs. while he was there he had a girlfriend (who he met in a bar). he has done nothing but complain about this girl and told me that he tried several times to break up with her, but she just won't go away. she also convinced him to get her a car loan (including insurance) and a cell phone plan in his name since she has already ruined her credit at only age 23. my son tells me he knows he is being manipulated by her but doesn't know how to get out of it, he has too weak of a personality to tell her no. the only thing he told her no about was when she wanted them to live together. *Your son got himself into the relationship and he can get himself out of it... that is, if he really wanted to. ..too much game playing going on... lack of maturity on both their parts. they both claim to be christian. but sadly my son has been sitting on the fence for a long time, although he still has good christian friends and goes to church regularly. as for her, all i see is drinking, smoking, and spending. she has a 6 yr old son from a previous boyfriend, but she rarely spends time with her son and sticks him with her grandma all the time. when they came to visit at christmas they made a pretence of sleeping in separate rooms. but i work late at night and came home a couple times where apparently they were both in one room and forgot to shut the door of the empty room to cover their tracks. by morning they were both in separate rooms. i just pretended like i didn't know. *You should of awaken them and enforced the no sleeping together in your own home(no playing like you don't know--- because that is giving them your permission)...him/her would have to go after showing disrespect (that's my opinion.) he broke up with her (again) a few weeks before he was supposed to move back home. it lasted not even a week. so i guess they agreed to do the long distance thing. i don't know if that is what he wants or he just agreed to make her stop nagging. i even suspected he was moving back home just to get away from her. from all he says, he has no intention of making future with her. i told him i thought it was wrong to date someone once you know you would not marry them, that you are holding each other back from finding the right person. that's all i said about it, besides that he already knows i don't approve of partying and the way she spends (everything has to be designer label). i really want to give him a lecture about seeking a godly wife but i am biting my tongue. besides, he is not fit for a christian girl because he himself is not living a godly life. *Do not lecture set the example by being the godly mom who lives out her faith - even when it's in hard or rough situations...don't "pretend" something isn't happening when it's going on within your own home. now my problem: he has been home 2 weeks and she is already planning to come see him. i don't want her here. i don't want them fornicating while i'm at work and making my other son uncomfortable being in the house with them. what do i say? should i tell them to get a motel? he is a grown man and free to sin, but i certainly don't have to provide the place. i think it would be best if he found somewhere else to live so he can live how he wants, but like i said he is unemployed. or do i just trying to be loving and welcome her here and pretend i don't know they are sinning? but i have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing problem, that she is going to be coming every chance she gets. and me and my other son really don't like having her here, she wasn't a very considerate houseguest at christmas. (watching tv loudly late at night, hogging the bathroom, etc). i don't know how God wants me to react to this. *Inform your son his girlfriend isn't welcomed in your home and you can give the reasons why --- if he don't like it then he is free to move out and find his own way in life. Please don't "pretend" you don't know what they are doing --- stand firm and uphold the Lord's standards.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 6:49:47 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NotDoneYet If his name is not on the deed to the house or the mortgage note, you are not required to give him 30 days. You aren't required to give him ANY notice at all. My kids tried that...it didn't work. When we asked one of them to leave (after finding weed in his room), he called the police. They told him that we were not bound to any 30 day eviction notice...it was OUR house and we were not required to give him ANY notice whatsoever. Oh, that's good to know. I'm sorry you had to kick a kid out, NotDoneYet, but it's probably one of those things that in the long run really helped him.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language. Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it. Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/14/2010 7:09:52 PM
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CMT8808
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie quote:
ORIGINAL: NotDoneYet If his name is not on the deed to the house or the mortgage note, you are not required to give him 30 days. You aren't required to give him ANY notice at all. My kids tried that...it didn't work. When we asked one of them to leave (after finding weed in his room), he called the police. They told him that we were not bound to any 30 day eviction notice...it was OUR house and we were not required to give him ANY notice whatsoever. Oh, that's good to know. I'm sorry you had to kick a kid out, NotDoneYet, but it's probably one of those things that in the long run really helped him. I believe she should check the laws, because in Massachusetts my older sister was living with my mother and moved in her boyfriend. She called the police, had my mother arrested and the judge told my mother if my sister did not have a place to go to my mother would have to rent a motel!!! CMT
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 3:31:52 AM
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birdiewatcher
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thank you so much for your replies. i see now that i should confront him with his sin, instead of trying to be polite and believe the best and all that. being a mom is almost harder after they are grown, not knowing where to draw the line between being a parent and respecting their right to make choices. if only you didn't have to watch them make bad choices! i guess that's how God feels about some of us. :(
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 10:13:31 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: birdiewatcher thank you so much for your replies. i see now that i should confront him with his sin, instead of trying to be polite and believe the best and all that. being a mom is almost harder after they are grown, not knowing where to draw the line between being a parent and respecting their right to make choices. Yeah, it can be tough. You have your home, and it's not his home. You can help him if you want but you don't have to have him turn your life upside down with his bad choices. You have the right to enjoy your home (you can legally sue if someone prevents you from enjoying your life at home - it's law. You know, if they run a jackhammer before 7 am kind of thing. Thanks again, NotDoneYet. Or you're constantly upset at someone in your home whose name isn't on the deed). He's a guest, there by your courtesy. When he doesn't give back courtesy, he can find his own place to live. It's your good morals to be good to your family, and it should be his good morals to be good to his family. That's you. quote:
if only you didn't have to watch them make bad choices! i guess that's how God feels about some of us. :( Agreed; being a parent takes nerves of steel. Especially for grown children, because the consequences are bigger. But we have to let them go. If they won't learn from our teaching them, then God will let them learn by suffering consequences. If your son finds himself in debt and living on the street and you tell him, "Sorry, go fix your life, you're not living here" then it forces him to grow up. He's 24 - taking 2 years to get out of debt, out of the golddigger's bed and into a life that works, that's a good investment. He could be 26 and ready to live a good life for the next (counts on fingers) 60 years. Not a bad investment, is it? He'll never grow up if he thinks someone else is always going to clean up after him. He's not your dependent anymore, he's a grown man. Let him take the consequences like one. Pray for him and ask God to shape him into the man God wants him to be. Two years of praying and biting your nails in silence could be the best investment you ever make! He needs to be working on a career so in the end he can afford to support you in your golden years.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language. Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it. Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 10:35:11 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 1978
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: birdiewatcher thank you so much for your replies. i see now that i should confront him with his sin, instead of trying to be polite and believe the best and all that. being a mom is almost harder after they are grown, not knowing where to draw the line between being a parent and respecting their right to make choices. if only you didn't have to watch them make bad choices! i guess that's how God feels about some of us. :( Very few of us have had perfect children who never, ever rebelled. Draw your line in the sand and stand firm. It is likely that he will get angry and pout for a while, but hopefully, he'll respect you for it and your future relationship will be stronger because of it. Blessings as you seek to stand for righteousness in your home.
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~Kat "...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 11:58:04 AM
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FunBetty
Posts: 5000
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From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TXRedhead This is your house. You're free to set whatever boundaries you want to in it; he's free not to live there if he doesn't agree with them. I would echo this statement. You are not obligated to host his gf overnight in your house, and especially knowing they broke your rules by deceiving you.
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My PFY
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 12:09:27 PM
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buckifn
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I would suggest the Military to your son. I would also strongly recommend you both sit down and put in writing what expectations are if he lives in your house. It sounds like your son is modeling what he sees from you- inability to stand up for what he knows is right. If you stand firm in your belief it will help him stand firm in his. You need to make it clear to your son "having church friends and going to church is NOT what makes one a Christian. Accepting the Lord Jesus as your personal Saviour, Redeemer, and Friend is what being a Christian is all about. After accepthing Him taking up your cross and following Him daily is what is required. I would also suggest your son goes to a prof. that deals with personal finances and learns how to manage his money, credit, etc. He is young enough that he can learn ways to establish habits that leads to financial freedom. Your son does not need sympathy he needs structure. You have a wonderful opportunity here to minister Christ- use it for His glory!
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 1:36:40 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn I would suggest the Military to your son. I would also strongly recommend you both sit down and put in writing what expectations are if he lives in your house. It sounds like your son is modeling what he sees from you- inability to stand up for what he knows is right. If you stand firm in your belief it will help him stand firm in his. You need to make it clear to your son "having church friends and going to church is NOT what makes one a Christian. Accepting the Lord Jesus as your personal Saviour, Redeemer, and Friend is what being a Christian is all about. After accepthing Him taking up your cross and following Him daily is what is required. I would also suggest your son goes to a prof. that deals with personal finances and learns how to manage his money, credit, etc. He is young enough that he can learn ways to establish habits that leads to financial freedom. Your son does not need sympathy he needs structure. You have a wonderful opportunity here to minister Christ- use it for His glory! Excellent advice, Buckifn. Financial Peace University is tailor-made for a situation like this. http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language. Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it. Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/15/2010 9:00:24 PM
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WasLostAmFound
Posts: 547
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie quote:
ORIGINAL: NotDoneYet If his name is not on the deed to the house or the mortgage note, you are not required to give him 30 days. You aren't required to give him ANY notice at all. My kids tried that...it didn't work. When we asked one of them to leave (after finding weed in his room), he called the police. They told him that we were not bound to any 30 day eviction notice...it was OUR house and we were not required to give him ANY notice whatsoever. Oh, that's good to know. I'm sorry you had to kick a kid out, NotDoneYet, but it's probably one of those things that in the long run really helped him. Both my sons started "smelling themselves" at 18-20...they tried the whole "I'm an adult" rubbish with me...as an excuse to break house rules. So...seeing as how they were adults...they needed to understand that it is no longer a "right" to live at home...they were perfectly able to find a way to support themselves...one went in the Army, the other one is in school, working part time and trying to get in the military (he has a GED and needs 15 college credits to be able to go in)...yeah, it's "tough love", and it's very hard at times...BUT...I really don't think I'm doing them a favor by allowing them to be little boys when they're really men.
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Formerly known as NotDoneYet...but...God had other plans!!!! My new blog... http://retirednavywife.wordpress.com/
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/16/2010 4:33:33 AM
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birdiewatcher
Posts: 12
Joined: 1/18/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn I would suggest the Military to your son. ah! i already went thru that with my other 2 sons. the youngest just got out and the oldest is still in. i can't stand it when they are deployed, that is too much worry for me. as for changing locks, evicting etc, that wouldn't be necessary. he is really a great kid and we are very close. which i think it why he sneaks, because he doesn't want me to be disappointed in him. but he thinks he is clever enough to have his fun too while fooling him mom and friends. he was raised in the church and he knows what salvation is and what God expects of us, i don't understand why he is living like this. i thought losing his job would wake him up to the fact that God won't keep blessing you when you are disobedient. i guess he's like the prodigal son and hopefully he will come to his senses soon.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/16/2010 5:22:01 AM
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keithyhuntington
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From: Tulsa, Okla.
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not to rain on anyone's perade of judgements... but i have to comment on something.... quote:
Well, it sounds like he lied to you about their sexual intimacy. If I found my son in bed in my house with a woman he wasn't married to, the neighbors would have heard the noise one second later. He lied to you! He's bringing great sin into YOUR house! just because they slept together, doesnt mean they had sex. i'd first ask (if you trust his answers) what went on. not to toot any horns of iron clad wills, but i have shared beds with females and probably had less interaction with them than my sister. i remained a virgin to my wedding day, but just because you "sleep with a girl" doesnt mean you have to touch her. i mean come on... now i realize those probably werent good desicions i made... but i knew that sex wasnt going to happen so it was a non issue, and my mom trusted that as well and she didnt make a big deal of it either (even though in hindsight that did show lack of respect for my parents). but i'd ask the guy first before calling him a sinner and fornicator. as for the actual situation, i'd just tell him to man up and dump her. he doesnt need to go to a hotel room. he doesnt need her coming over for dinner. he needs her to just leave. i'm reminded of a motely crue song... "girl don't go away mad. girl, just go away." (or something like that) you said he wasnt all that into her anymore. just tell him to dump her... go the cowards way and do it by text.
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Crosswalk suggested for me to change this signature so none of the members would be offended.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/16/2010 1:31:49 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: birdiewatcher he was raised in the church and he knows what salvation is and what God expects of us, i don't understand why he is living like this. It's the main battle every Christian fights: will I please God or myself? Keep praying for your son - I'm praying for him today, too. (HUg)
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People died to give you the Bible in your language. Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it. Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: what kind of boundaries for grown children at home? - 3/16/2010 4:08:39 PM
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MissInnocent
Posts: 314
Joined: 5/3/2005
Status: offline
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In the words of Nancy Grace "If you let yourself be manipulate then you weren't manipulated." he can't blame his ignorance on this girl if he's WILLINGLY letting her take all this stuff out in his name. I am in agreement with deermousie's post first post.
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